Why is grief so hard?

Why Grief Is So Hard

Most of us have no idea the overpowering feelings of grief until you experience it on a personal level. Many people have witnessed family and friends who were grieving and saw how upset they were and often wondered why after so long they were still grieving.  That’s because they had no concept of the emotional pain these people were experiencing.

Grief is a very individual and personal emotion. Much of this pain is a factor of the things we might have wished had been different, better, or more in that relationship. It is also impacted by the dreams and expectations of a future that is now going to be very different than we had expected.

Here are some reasons Why Grief Is So Challenging

Misinformation

We were never taught how to deal with the emotional pain of loss.  Most of us have spent a lifetime learning how to get things.  When it comes to dealing with loss, more often than not, the information that has been passed on to us is actually “misinformation.”

The misinformation does nothing to deal with that emotional pain. It is advice that speaks to our logic and intellect, but grief is emotional, rather than intellectual.  The things we learn at an early age are designed to make us “socially appropriate” and easier for others to accept.

Most of what we are taught we hear from our parents when we are dealing with emotionally painful events. These things that we hear become part of our belief system because they are so often repeated. They include such things as:

• Don’t Feel Bad (Hearing this rarely makes you feel better!)
• Replace The Loss (Often, with the loss of a pet or toy, this is the “solution” for dealing with our tears.)
• Grieve Alone (“If you are going to cry, go to your room.”)
• Grief Just takes Time (”The comment often made when we ask how long this will hurt. In truth, time just goes by and you become accustomed to feeling this emotional pain.)
• Be Strong (Big boys and girls don’t cry! We are often told we need to be strong for others.)
• Keep Busy (If you are busy, you won’t have time to feel sorry for yourself!)

None of these are helpful in helping us deal with the emotional pain that is grief.

Our friends and family tend to provide less support than we expect.

Unfortunately, most of them have had little or no education in how to deal with their own loss. That being the case, it is difficult for them to offer any more assistance than suggesting things similar to the misinformation above!

We can each grieve certain memories in an entirely different way. That is why things that may be grief issues for one family member may not seem meaningful on any level to another. Every relationship is different, even within the same family, which means that everyone’s grief is also different.

There is also a tendency from friends and family to avoid mentioning the name of someone who has died, because they feel that to do so will only upset you. Their avoidance can seem to you like they have forgotten your loss, which can hurt as well. With no one really having the proper tools to deal with the emotional pain of grief, it can feel like you are the only one in true pain.

Grief is cumulative!

When we experience a new loss, this tends to stir up all of the other grief issues that are still lingering from past losses. If you have not taken action to effectively move through and beyond previous grief experiences, they will stay with you no matter how hard you try to suppress those feelings. As a result, you end up not just dealing with the current loss, but past ones as well.

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to any change you experience in life. You don’t need to be “fixed” to feel better. You simply need direction and education on how to “recover.” Fortunately, this is an area in which I can help you learn the proper tools to assist you in the recovery from the emotional pain of grief and loss. I do hope you take the time to reach out to me, I’m ready to begin this journey with you.