We all grieve, are you doing it right?

/in /by

Grief is a necessary process to come to terms with loss. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, yet almost everything we learned about grief is not normal, not natural and not healthy.

We all experience losses and we all grieve. Yet, grief is one of the most taboo topics for discussion. It’s odd that one of the experiences we are all going to have, is the one experience that we are ill-prepared for, and ill-equipped to talk about. What is even more troubling is all the misinformation that is passed on about grief. We have been taught to believe that time heals all wounds, and you hear people say, “It just takes time.” Therefore, the griever assumes the advice to be correct, and waits while time goes by. Time is neutral and does nothing but pass. People also say, “You have to be strong for the children” or other family members. Many people will pass this on to grievers, who respectfully then act strong for the kids, all while burying their own feelings deeper and deeper. Even worse, while acting strong for the children, they demonstrate “not feeling,” which teaches the child to hide his or her feelings. Much like how a parent knows something is “off” when their child may be sick or down. Our children also know when we as parents are “off” or down. We have been taught to believe that intellectual remarks will help with emotional conflict. So grievers are told, “Don’t feel bad, he / she led such a full life.” Maybe he / she did, although the griever is in emotional turmoil. A comment such as this, which may be intellectually accurate, is not at all emotionally helpful. None of the remarks identified above help the griever take those correct and necessary steps. Rather, the griever is led down a path that leads to more isolation and loneliness.

Okay, so then what do grievers want or need most?

A griever wants to talk about what happened and their relationship with the person who died. This holiday season, there will be plenty of hurting people who, given the opportunity, will want to talk about someone they miss. You will be a most cherished friend or family member if the grieving person feels safe enough to talk to you about what is so foremost on their mind and in their heart. Sometimes, the person doesn’t want to talk about it, and if that is the case, do not be offended by that either. At the very least, I suggest that you bring up the topic, and allow them to decide if they want to talk about it. If you are feeling awkward about what to ask someone here is a simple phrase which allows the griever to respond or not as they see fit, and it is not an interrogation or a command that they must talk about the loss: “I heard about the death in your family…I can’t imagine what this has been like for you.”

The ability to communicate our emotions openly and clearly, whether they are happy or sad, is one of the distinguishing characteristics of being human. Being afraid of sad feelings can deprive us of the treasure trove of memories attached to relationships with people who have died. Overcoming this fear, especially at holiday time, allows us to claim the full memory of the person we are missing. People are surprised to discover that even though there may be some sadness, there is also plenty of joy as well.

Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever, and the most effective and accurate source of those correct choices is The Grief Recovery Handbook. You can purchase this yourself right from GriefRecoveryMethod.com or you can also find it at other retailers and book stores. Take a look at what people say and the reviews, it truly does work. For more information or to work with me 1 on 1, I would be happy to hear from you. You can DM me directly, call me at (484) 764-7094, or visit my contact page at https://jennifergriefrecovery.com/contact

There is Hope

/in /by

I hear quite often that you never stop grieving or that you can never get over a particular kind of loss. Have you heard this too?

What’s so sad about these phrases is that they keep you trapped in pain. I am not saying that your life won’t be changed by a tragic, brutal, or heartbreaking event, but to tell yourself and other people who are looking for a way out that their grief will never end keeps you, and them, a victim.

I am instead giving you HOPE! It is called: The Grief Recovery Method.

It’s different from traditional grief support. One big difference is that we don’t separate people by the type of loss they have experienced. This process helps everyone, no matter why their heart is broken. That probably sounds wildly different because most grief support programs focus on the type of loss.

Even if two people experienced the same type of loss, they still wouldn’t have the exact same experiences because all relationships are unique. For example, 2 sisters lose their mother and you would think that they would be experiencing the same type of loss, right? Well, those two sisters are still individual people. One might have had a great relationship with their mother while the other relationship was more complicated. To compare one person’s loss to another’s, regardless of the cause or the type of loss, discounts, minimizes or trivializes their feelings or experience.

We at The Grief Recovery Institute found that focusing on the type of loss puts the focus in the wrong place. Of course, the type of loss is important because it’s why someone’s heart is broken, but we also focus on how to help people. The Grief Recovery Method is a universal proven program and solution that will work for anyone that is willing to do the work. What also is so unique about The Grief Recovery Method is that the program has a start and an end. Many traditional grief support groups offer a safe environment for a griever to talk about their feelings, but talking only provides short-term relief. Talking about your feelings can be beneficial, but it’s not enough. The Grief Recovery Method is designed to guide your emotional pain through a series of actions to feel better. Of course, you can choose to continue working to heal other relationships, but we have a system that is proven to work. So, there is no need to see me indefinitely.

Grief Side-Effects May Include Building Emotional Walls

/in /by

It can be scary, really really scary, when you come to realize that the source of your deepest, most unimaginable pain you have ever felt is there because you loved someone so deeply and lost them. What is even scarier is that any deep love of anything you have can also be the source of deep pain and loss. It is in our human nature to avoid and protect ourselves from pain. But so often in our efforts to protect our hearts from ever feeling that way again our self-protective instincts kick in. We start building the protective bricks up around us until we have built a strong solid brick and mortar wall. This wall is sometimes built on the conscious, and sometimes unconscious, thoughts that “if grief is the price we pay for love, then maybe it’s not a price I am willing to pay” because it’s just too painful.

If this is something that has been part of your grief process, there is no judgment.  We have never been really taught the proper tools to process deep pain and loss. If you are someone that has avoided love because it might be a source of not just a little pain, but a lot of pain, then it is no surprise that you may develop an instinct to avoid love. Avoidance is hopefully an indication of how problematic these walls can be. Yes, they do emotionally protect you from grief, but they also keep you from having connections, intimacy, hope and so many other wonderful experiences that make life so meaningful.

If you avoid getting close to people? Unresolved grief is usually at the root of fear about any new relationships.

So, what’s a griever to do?
Step 1: Acknowledge you no longer are going to accept living with the fear of being hurt again.
Step 2: Take responsibility for your healing, even if it’s only 1%.
Step 3: Reach out for help.

Are you ready to get started? Work with me and go through The Grief Recovery Method. It is a step-by-step process for recovering from loss. I will show you what to do each step of the way. Imagine thinking about someone who died, or an ex, without feeling brokenhearted. Imagine living and loving to the fullest. What would that be like for you?

Is it scary to try something new? Absolutely!
Can you do it anyway? Yes!

That is where courage comes in. This program has worked for hundreds of thousands of people, so there’s no reason that it won’t work for you too!  Plus, it’s empowering to take responsibility for how you’ll move forward in life despite the brutal things that have caused you emotional pain. Walking through fear is a small price to pay for recovery. Recovery means getting your quality of life back. You will smile again, and you will find freedom from pain. People say that grief never ends, but this well-intentioned statement keeps people trapped in their pain. We know there is a better way. Take the courageous actions of The Grief Recovery Method and live your life to the fullest again.

 

Happy Birthday to me! Thank you to the Grief Recovery Program for the gift of emotional fulfillment!

/in /by

Life Is Too Precious & Short

As I turn 60, I know how precious Life is and that it’s getting shorter. So, I am passionate about being in the moment and enjoying life to the very last moment. I am no longer drowning in the regrets of the past, nor am I obsessing about the future. I am grateful for each day and look forward to enjoying it. The Grief Recovery Method taught me how to take action to deal with unfinished business in my relationships so that emotional painful feelings that were stuffed down and avoided can no longer impact my capacity for Happiness!

It is sad that so many people, no matter how much they have, as far as material possessions, they still are not happy! This is mainly because they are still emotionally unfulfilled! So many of us carry around a great deal of “unfinished business” in our relationships. We do this, mostly, because no one ever taught us how to deal with the emotional matters that we face on a daily basis. This unfinished business is not just about those relationships that have ended because of death, although those feelings of loss can be overwhelming. It can also be related to ongoing relationships with those we like or love, and even those we deal with through our jobs.

“Unfinished business,” from an emotional perspective, involves those things that we wish might be, or have been, different, better, or more in any relationship.  It might also be about unmet hopes and dreams that never came to be. Sometimes, it is about not getting something, on an emotional level, from someone because they simply could not, or would not, provide it.

Whatever the reasons, that sense of being emotionally incomplete can leave us wanting and longing for things we wished could have been different, better, or more. In a very real sense, it leaves you feeling a sense of grief. Grief is something that we feel whenever we are forced to deal with any unexpected or unwanted change in our daily living. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to cover up our feelings of sadness and suppress them, but this does not make them go away. Instead, we hold them deep inside, never realizing how they impact our sense of well-being. Instead of processing those feelings, we continue to hold them inside and they accumulate over our lifetime. The more we accumulate these painful feelings in our hearts, the less room we have for true happiness!

The Grief Recovery Method is all about taking action to deal with the unfinished business in emotional relationships. This is certainly a method of action to follow when you lose someone to death, but it is also extremely effective in improving ongoing relationships as well. This approach will help you to discover exactly what it is that is unfinished for you so that you can take the necessary steps to become “emotionally complete.” It is designed to help you safely sort through all of those feelings of emotional pain that you have stuffed inside and deal with them in a positive way, so that they no longer negatively impact your life.

Hurricane Ian & Its Impact Generates Grief For Many

/in /by

“I’ve lost everything!” is the echo heard from the aftermath of this past storm! Hurricane Ian has been devastating for so many people. It’s hard to fathom the emotional and psychological impact of this devastating storm and the amount of property destruction leaving many people without homes and for some, the death of loved ones. People are not only grieving the loss of their homes and precious belongings, but they are also grieving a loss of safety, security, comfort, and trust in the familiarity and predictability of everyday life.

It would only be normal and natural to experience a number of conflicting emotions when your life is dramatically altered by a loss of this kind. These conflicting emotions may include a heightened sense of fear, confusion, anger, devastation, loneliness, isolation, and trepidation. This is the fullness of what grief is.

Grief is the result of the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern of behavior. Any large-scale event, such as Hurricane Ian, or any other natural disaster, results in significant loss and changes to familiar patterns of behavior. The actions by federal, state & local agencies have already begun to offer economic support to these people. Rebuilding will happen, and business will reopen, but one area that’s rarely addressed is the ongoing emotional pain and grief that will continue to be felt by everyone who lived through this event or who had loved ones displaced as a result. The grief for those who have lost property and a sense of security, not to mention the loss of loved ones is tremendous. The grief and loss that these people are facing, if not dealt with, may follow them the rest of their lives.

If Ian, or any other natural disaster, or any traumatic event has impacted you, you would be well served to take grief recovery action. The sense of fear and loss of safety generated by that event could otherwise be something that impacts you for years to come.

The Grief Recovery Method offers direction in how to deal, not only with those relationships to people that may have been impacted as a result of such an event, but also with the loss of possessions and sense of safety. It’s a step-by-step approach to saying “goodbye” to what has been lost, so that you can better face a future that is perhaps quite different from the one you expected. It offers you the opportunity to take emotional care of yourself and your loved ones.

As an Advanced Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, I would be touched for the opportunity to hear from you so we can discuss how we begin this process. Feel free to message me through here, leave a voicemail (484) 764-7094, or fill out a contact request on my website – https://jennifergriefrecovery.com/contact

Grief is not a disorder!

/in /by

Grief is NOT pathological, nor is it a disorder of any kind but it can feel that way!

When you’re going through grief, your mind might tell you something is wrong with you, but there isn’t. The real problem is that no one has taught you how to go through grief healthily.

Loss is inevitable, it’s the most basic human experience, but suffering is a choice. When we grievers don’t know what choices we can make, that’s when we stay stuck with the pain. And That’s what happened to me.

When I experienced 2 significant losses in my life, I felt an intense yearning, longing, and preoccupation with my pain.  Additionally, grieving the loss of all the broken hopes and dreams about my future left me feeling completely hopeless. The deaths caused me extreme distress and difficulty functioning. I am willing to bet that every one of you reading this have had similar feelings as me when faced with a significant loss in your life. That’s because intense yearning, preoccupation, distress, and difficulty functioning are natural responses to a significant emotional loss like death.

Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss of any kind. We are wired to feel our full range of emotions, good or bad. We all experience loss and the grief that follows. To say that feeling painful or negative emotions is somehow wrong, harmful, or that a disorder is mislabeling a normal process in life, that’s simply Not True.  It’s often deemed by many that grief that lasts longer than 12 months for adults, or six months for children, is an illness and is often treated with medications. I am going to tell you my grief lasted well over 12 months, and I too thought something was wrong with me.

Most of us have heard the intellectual misinformation from well-intentioned people, like “keep busy” or “time heals all wounds.” But when I tried to use these as tools to heal from my emotional pain, I realized they simply didn’t work, leaving me feeling hopeless that I could ever feel anything but a broken heart for the rest of my life.  And what’s sad is that many people do live the rest of their lives with a broken heart.  What’s incorrect here is that we as grievers are given incorrect tools to heal.

The Grief Recovery Method has helped me, and countless people, recover from the most devastating losses imaginable and have proven that any loss is NOT a life sentence of pain.

If you truly want to heal your heart after significant emotional loss, a first step is to grab your copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith. Please reach out to me for your copy.

 

What’s Grief Got To Do With Moving?

/in /by

Riding my horse with a friend this past weekend inspired me to write this post. She is heading off to college in a few days and she is both excited and sad about the move. We talked about her anticipation of this exciting new adventure that awaits her, but she also shared her feelings of sadness about leaving behind her family, friends, her horse, and many other things that have been a daily part of her life as she knew up until now.

What you may never think about is that moving can generate feelings of grief. Grief is the result of any change in familiar behavior patterns. So, wouldn’t it make sense that a move across the country to a new school, a new town, leaving family/friends/horseback riding and everything you’ve done up until now, is a major change to everything familiar?

There are many different reasons people move, sometimes it is motivated by getting a new job.  It might be about moving to a better house, neighborhood, or school district. It can be a move, like my friend, who is going to college. It could also be caused by the loss of a job, relationship, or financial challenges. These are just a handful of the many reasons that people move.

Whenever you move, it involves change which can be exciting and scary! With change there are multiple feelings that may arise from moving. Feelings like excitement, anticipation, concerns of all the work that’s involved in a move, worries about financial issues or the sadness of leaving people and familiar things behind. Also, the fear of the unknown that comes with any relocation. The list of changes can be overwhelming.

We all have a tendency to stuff and downplay the impact of feelings related to change in our lives and especially when it involves a move. From the time we are very young we have been told not to feel bad for loving people for logical reasons, but rarely did anyone ever encourage you to express your feelings related to a change without giving you those logical reasons why it should not bother you. The problem arises as we grow older and deal with more changes in our lives, this behavior pattern becomes implanted and continues. The old feelings will linger inside if you fail to have an opportunity to fully express them and take action to move beyond their power. We all tend to have a stockpile of stuffed feelings that we know, on a logical level, should not bother us, but they tend to surface at the oddest times when new situations trigger old memories. What no one ever told us was that feelings and emotions are anything but logical, which means that logical reasoning rarely makes us truly feel better!

The tools for dealing with the grief that comes with any change in familiar behavior patterns are covered in “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. These tools will help you deal with not only leaving behind the things that were familiar in the place from which you are moving, but with all of those relationships with friends and neighbors that are changing as well. The techniques that are covered in this book will ultimately help you deal with all of the changes you have faced in past relationships that pop up as well.

Why is it so hard to let go?

/in /by

Many clients ask me how to let go of painful emotions resulting from loss events in their lives. My clients seek help for a variety of reasons, whether it’s a death of a loved one, a failed relationship, a job loss, or a serious loss of health, or any other major change in their lives resulting in emotional grief. When things end, why do we find it so hard to let go? The reality is that we’re not necessarily clinging on to the actual person, place or thing, but to something else – the past, the future, or what we wished could have been different, better, or more.  These hold the keys to discovering what is needing attention.

Hanging on to the past.
Letting go can be hard because of all the memories we have. We refuse to accept that what once was is no more. We want to resurrect the past, to savor once again what we had.

Our fear is that if we let go, all that meant so much will be no more. The memories that used to bring us so much happiness would now only bring misery. Each memory brings with it the reminder of the ending. We want to hold on to the things that keep this past alive for us.

Holding onto a future that will never be.
We also cling on to the hope we have for the future – our vision of the future as it would be if things were different. We think that our happiness lies with having the thing that has ended. Or perhaps it’s financial, physical or emotional security we seek, and don’t know where else to find it.

Letting go is scary because we are cutting our lifeline to that future we want so much. Once we let go all the dreams disappear as well. The only way we know to keep our dreams alive is to hold on to what would be. We allow that loss to be the only keeper of our dreams.

So, how do we let go? Realize that it is not really the loss you cannot let go of, but something else. What is it that you are clinging on to – your past, your future, the things you wish could have been different, better, or more, or perhaps all the above? It is important to be honest with yourself, even if you don’t want to admit the truth to anyone else.

In theory, we know that the past is the past, but in reality we project the past onto our future. We want things to remain the way they were, or at least to replay themselves in more or less similar variations.

One way of letting go is to take care of the unfinished business from an emotional standpoint involving those things we wish might be, or have been, different, better or more in any relationship or past event. It might be about unmet hopes and dreams that never came to be.

Whatever the reason, that sense of being emotionally incomplete can leave us feeling wanting and holding onto the pain. In a very real sense, it leaves us feeling a sense of grief!

How can you take action to deal with emotional pain?
The Grief Recovery Method is all about taking action to deal with the unfinished business in emotional relationships or to the events that happened to cause you emotional pain. Working together I will help you to discover exactly what it is that is unfinished for you so that you can take the necessary steps to become “emotionally complete.”  It is designed to help you safely sort through all of those feelings of emotional pain that you have stuffed inside and deal with them in a positive way, so that they no longer negatively impact your life.

Can past hurts be sabotaging your current relationships?

/in /by

Have you ever behaved in a way that goes against the thing that you want most in a relationship, and that is emotional closeness and intimacy? Do you push away or sabotage the very things that you crave most in relationships? I know I did. I remember my first true love. As a couple we were spending almost every day together and talking on the phone every night. The relationship lasted for almost 5 years, and I thought he was the one I’d marry. Then one day the relationship ended. I was devastated. I couldn’t sleep, didn’t eat and I didn’t know how I would go on without him in my life. I thought the way to heal my pain was to be strong and pretend I was okay. I thought I needed to get back out in the social scene with my girlfriends and find someone else to date. You know the proverbial romantic break-up scenes in the movies where you drown out your pain by eating a gallon of ice cream and staying in bed for days. As if that somehow was supposed to make it feel better. That never works and you’re still left wanting true love. One thing I knew was that I would never allow anyone to hurt me that way again.

As a choice to protect my heart, this became an unconscious habit that I formed, and I didn’t even realize how guarded it kept me from trusting and opening my heart fully to someone else. I did get into other relationships, but each time I was more cautious. I never truly opened up therefore never giving anyone the chance to get to know the real me. Have you ever done this? Sadly, this is the story for many people. In an attempt to shield yourself from normal and natural emotional pain you make decisions to keep your heart protected instead. Sometimes it’s a conscious decision and other times it disguises itself in sarcasm, humor, being too busy, focusing on work or anything else that acts as a shield allowing people the opportunity to connect to your heart.

Unresolved emotional pain robs you of choice. When you carry the baggage from your past losses it limits your ability to be fully present in your new relationships. Sometimes it limits your ability to form new partnerships at all. This can be in romantic relationships, friendships, and parenting. That’s where The Grief Recovery Method comes in. If you do the work you know that you will ultimately be okay no matter what happens in your life. You will get freedom of choice in how you participate in your relationship moving forward.

There is a book I also would like to recommend called: Moving On: Dump Your Relationship Baggage and Make Room for the Love of Your Life by Russell Friedman & John James. These are authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook as well as the book Moving Beyond Loss and I highly recommend this book. You can search for it right in Google or buy it right from Amazon by clicking here.

 

 

 

You say you’re fine, but you’re really not!

/in /by

The Award-Winning Academy Act – “I’m Fine”

This is a narrative I often used to tell myself and others: that I was strong, capable and fiercely independent to handle my emotions from painful events that occurred in my life. I’d put on my “Happy Face” and pretend everything was “Fine”.

Have you ever felt that way?

I have often said “I am fine” when I really was anything but fine. I was very sad, hurt and felt alone with my pain and what I needed most was to be able to tell the truth about how I felt but didn’t know how to do that. In fact, everything I learned and practiced convinced me not to show my REAL feelings at any cost. I was taught to bury any feelings that dealt with sadness. You know the sayings like: “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.” This and hundreds of other clichés about dealing with sad feelings taught me to lie about how I felt.
What is dangerous about doing this is that Every time we tell a lie, like “I’m fine” and it’s not the truth, our subconscious mind hears the lie and will then bury the feelings generated by the event that caused us to pretend everything is ok. Whatever the events were that caused us to hide our true feelings they were resulting in unresolved emotional issues and if we haven’t learned a good skill to allow us to express our emotional pain without analysis, criticism or judgement, those painful feelings are suppressed inside, where they tend to multiply. This not to say I am blaming my parents or society for having passed on ineffective ideas, skills, and tools for dealing with painful emotions and loss, but what I am saying is I learned better tools that actually help me with lasting recovery results through “The Grief Recovery Method”.

When painful feelings and losses remain unresolved, they become cumulative, and they’re always are cumulatively negative. Time does not heal the pain caused by loss and neither does lying about our feelings. This is such a big problem, I couldn’t possibly explain it all in this post but what I can do is practice a little recovery. Allow yourself to believe that the subconscious will take actions based on conscious commands. When we lied and said we were fine, we told it that there was no problem, so it need not search out a solution. The result is to allow the cause of the problem to go unattended and rebury itself. The next time it attacks you may not be able to recognize the cause or source of the attack.

Recovery Hinges on Telling The Truth About How You Feel!
A major key to recovery is to process every feeling in the moment you have it. It does not require any special skills to tell the emotional truth about what you are feeling. For example: “How are you?” … “I’m having a tough day, thanks for asking.” Notice that the answer is truthful but does not invite any help or advice. It also has the ability to tell the truth that you are not on your best game and the other party can respond accordingly. When you say, “I’m fine,” but you’re not, you have sent a very confusing message to yourself and others.
Your ability to communicate is verbal and non-verbal. Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice as well as facial and body signals. When our verbal and nonverbal signals do not match, most people will respond to the nonverbal. So, when you lie, most people can SEE it.

When I started to tell myself and others the truth about my feelings is when I experienced the benefits of recovery and lasting healing from the painful events in my life. It is my wish for everyone to have this experience too! I hope you reach out to me soon to begin.