Archive for category: Grieving

Grief Recovery Is an Ongoing Process

Many people think that once they have gone through The Grief Recovery Method, that they will forever stay “recovered.”

That would be wonderful if Grief Recovery was like that and required no further work. Unfortunately, it does not work that way!

When you have taken Grief Recovery action, you have done all that you are able to do at that moment in time. You have followed the necessary steps to deal with all of the things that were “incomplete” for you in that relationship, that you discovered to that point. The reality is that you continue to encounter new things in your life every day. With each day, you may think of other things that you wish might have been different, better, or more in that relationship that will require some additional recovery action on your part.

Taking Grief Recovery Action is akin to taking care of a beautiful garden. Your action plan called for you to figuratively till the “soil” and decide what elements of that relationship you want to save and treasure, and what other things you wanted to “weed out” and let go, so that they did not get in the way of whatever fond memories you have of that relationship.  (When it was a difficult or troubling relationship, it is about taking back the power to again experience happiness in your life.)  Once completed, you can stand back and enjoy what you have accomplished. Like with a garden, you need to continue to tend to it and pull the occasional weed that pops up! As your life continues, it is important to take additional action to maintain your recovery by dealing with these new incomplete elements that come to mind.

The problem is that once people have taken their first recovery steps, they often forget that this is an ongoing process! They feel such a relief concerning all the action that they initially took, that they fall back on their old habits of “stuffing” any new emotional pain that comes to mind as they continue to find new reminders of things that they wish might have been different, better, or more in that relationship.

These new things that come to mind are not a sign that these recovered grievers did not take “complete” recovery action in the first place! However, it is a sign that new things come to mind that need additional recovery action!

The key to being forever successful in dealing with the emotional pain that any loss might bring into your life is to change the lifelong habit that most people have, of stuffing those painful feelings deep inside, and not dealing with them effectively. Grief Recovery is an ongoing process! Once you have learned how to utilize the tools that The Grief Recovery Method has to offer in dealing with one loss, you can use these same tools on an ongoing basis, not only to continue to stay recovered in that relationship, but in others as well. You no longer need to live under the emotional cloud that comes from having “unfinished business” in any relationship ever again!

Please continue to take the needed steps, on an ongoing basis, so that you can get the most out of every relationship in your life and live with the happiness in your life that everyone deserves!

No matter how fast you run, you can’t go around your broken heart

Are you looking for emotional healing of some sort? You may even be wondering if it is possible, and the answer is YES.

The reality is that you will never be the same person that you were before whatever happened that you are healing from. That can feel scary, but that can also feel incredibly freeing as you attempt to find yourself and experience post-traumatic growth.

Many people have a tendency to want to control the process of emotional healing by minimizing the pain, and avoid feeling and dealing with their grief. Running, hiding and dodging from painful emotions can actually inhibit the process of emotional healing.

The question could legitimately be asked, “Why would people do that?” The answer – even if it seems a bit naive – is another question, “Who would want to feel bad if they didn’t have to?” The solution is not quite so simple. Along with other incorrect ideas about dealing with loss, almost every grieving person is advised to keep busy. Ask any widow or widower; ask any grieving parent or mourning child. They all hear keep busy, and variations on that theme, countless times following the death of their loved one. That advice comes from well-meaning, well-intended people who love them and care about them.

What’s so wrong with keeping busy?

Keeping busy is, at best, a distraction based on another dangerous myth about dealing with emotional pain. That myth is, Time Heals All Wounds. Time cannot heal an emotional wound any more than time could put air back into a flat tire. Yet grievers are constantly being told that time will fix their hearts. The double illusion is that if I stay busy, then more time will have passed, and therefore I will feel better. When the two false ideas are fused together – the illogic of time healing, and the emotionally counter-productive hyper-activity of keeping busy – the result can only be disillusionment and exhaustion. Unresolved grief is unrelenting.  It will track you down no matter what you do to try to duck from it. No matter how fast you run, you can’t go around your broken heart; you can’t go over your broken heart; you can’t go under your broken heart. You must go directly through it or you will drag the remnants of pain with you forever. Emotional exhaustion is the heavy price you pay when you try to run around your heart. In the end, you can’t outrun your heart. You must move toward it no matter how frightening that may seem. It’s the only way out of the squared circle of your pain.

Masked Grief relates to those situations where the person has become so adept at suppressing their feelings of emotional pain that they take on other symptomatology.

There are many ways in which people attempt to work through the grieving process. Those who recognize that grief, by definition, is an emotion, and make a concerted effort to deal with what is emotionally incomplete in the relationship that has caused their grief, can be very successful in moving forward. Those who try to deal with it strictly from an intellectual standpoint, often find little relief and that they face additional issues as well.

Our bodies are designed to process rather than strictly store things.

The human body is designed to be a processing center. We consume and process food to create energy and to fuel our various organs. If we consume more food than necessary, our body stores it as fat. Too much of this fat storage can have negative consequences for our overall health. Likewise, the body is designed to process our emotional experiences. If we suppress, store and mask those emotions deep inside, this can result in negative consequences for our general health as well.

The consequences of stuffing sad emotions.

When we continually stuff these feelings of emotional pain, rather than putting voice to them, our bodies tend to send us signals that they are not happy. Some people get headaches, while others respond with intestinal issues and ulcers. For some, when emotionally stressed, they develop rashes or hives. Other normal responses to emotional stress can include an increased heart rate, rapid breathing and high blood pressure.

As a trained grief professional, I can often recognize that such issues are a common sign of suppressed emotions related to an unaddressed grieving experience. Unfortunately, these same symptoms can also be the result of medical issues as well, which means that when we consult a physician, they may very well attempt to approach it as a physical problem, rather than as a sign of masked grief.

That is why masked grief is such a problem. Failure to identify this common response to loss means that many people are treated strictly for the symptoms, rather than the underlying problem. When we treat the symptoms, rather than the real problem, nothing is done to deal with the underlying emotional pain.

The Grief Recovery Method is an effective action plan for dealing with the emotional pain of loss.

I speak from personal experience in the value of using The Grief Recovery Method and what it has to offer. At one time I used to suffer from many of these issues, especially with stomach issues. I never associated this physical problem as being related to stuffing and masking my feelings of sadness.  It was not until I went for Certification Training with the Grief Recovery Institute that I was able to see that the times when I was suffering most with these problems also happened to be times that I was also dealing with a grieving experience in my life. As I learned to better deal with my own grief, I found that my related stomach issues cleared up!

Please do not let the pain of emotional losses that you have experienced and suppressed take a toll on your body. Taking effective Grief Recovery Action can not only help you feel better emotionally, but physically as well.

One of the most painful parts of the grief process is the experience of grief isolation. It is bad enough that your loss already left you feeling alone and singled out from the rest of the world, but now, with no way of knowing how to respond to such tragedy, most grievers tend to go further into the isolation of pain and profound loneliness. Each of us experiences our grief differently.

Loneliness, Isolation and Grief are not just related to a death! 
Since every major change in life can bring with it elements of grief, you may find yourself feeling lonely and isolated with other losses as well. A simple example of this can be found with moving. Whether you relocate across town, or to an entirely new city, you may find yourself feeling lonely and isolated because your surroundings are unfamiliar. You are not only dealing with a new living environment, but also that sense of loss that comes from leaving old relationships behind. While you may be excited about this change, you may also be experiencing elements of grief. This is an example of what is sometimes called “disenfranchised grief” in that others don’t see it as a grieving experience, and therefore discount its emotional impact.

The fact that others cannot understand the emotional impact of your feelings of loss, can naturally leave you feeling isolated. When they address your pain by giving you logical reasons why you should be happy, rather than sad, it tends to increase those feelings of loneliness and isolation. Grief is emotional, not logical or intellectual. No matter how sound their logic, it still does not alleviate the pain in your heart.

Some of the options for support may leave you with yet another sense of loss.
Just because these feelings are normal and natural doesn’t mean that you have to suffer through them alone. Many people will turn to a “loss specific” support group to help them deal with these feelings. Such grief support groups can offer a sense of “community,” assuming the facilitator doesn’t let them deteriorate into discussions of who is hurting the most, which can leave the others feeling even more lonely and isolated.

The other problem with such groups is that while you may share similar losses, at least by type, it’s often the only thing you have in common. Since each relationship is unique to each individual, your feelings associated with that loss are also unique.

Still more frustrating and isolating are those situations when there is no group available for your particular loss category. There may be groups for people who have lost children or a spouse, but what if you lost a friend? There are rarely groups focused on this heading. That is also the case for those dealing with any type of disenfranchised grief.

Help really is available for everyone!
The grieving community is enormous! Chances are that whenever you are in a public place, you are surrounded by other “silent grievers,” like yourself, who feel lonely and isolated because they have no one to listen to the pain in their heart and offer direction. Their loss may not be remotely similar to yours, but that doesn’t mean that their emotional pain is just as intense.

The beauty of the Grief Recovery Method is that it was built on the concept that each person’s loss is uniquely their own. It’s not about comparing losses, but rather about taking action to move through and beyond the power of that emotional pain. While the tools that are used to take this action are universal to every loss, their application is individual to each and every situation.

How you put these tools to use for yourself depends on your personal needs and situation.

If you wish to move faster through this process, you can meet with me, a Grief Recovery Specialist, on a one-to-one basis.  Another option is to purchase a copy of “The Grief Recovery Handbook,” and partner with a friend who is also grieving. Each of these different options will offer you the tools you need to take positive recovery action.

You will never know the benefits of going through The Grief Recovery Method until you do it!

Here is a testimonial from a person I worked with.

“Taking part in The Grief Recovery Method with Jen was the best decision I ever made! With Jen’s help I was able to move forward in my life and let go of all the hurt and anger associated with past and present relationships. My husband and children have noticed a positive change in me since my work with Jen. I continue to use the techniques Jen has taught me on a daily basis in my interactions and relationships. The work I have completed with Jen in The Grief Recovery program has been life-changing and I will forever be grateful.”

Don’t wait to give it a try! Schedule a free consult with me.